Nineteen years......wow! Has it really been that long since my divorce??? Yep! January 13, 2000 the papers read: The bonds of matrimony are dissolved, set aside and all for naught. Thud. I cried until I could not cry anymore. All for naught, really???
I never dreamed I would be divorced. I wanted to be married my whole life. Both of our parents and grandparents were divorced. The odds weren't good to begin with, but oh the dreams I had! I wanted to be a music teacher, a wife and a mom all of my life and those dreams of all that could be were gone. Those dreams were shattered. Dissolved. Set aside. All for naught.
It truly is unbelievable that the past nineteen years have gone by so fast and yet so slow....Being married nineteen years and now being divorced nineteen years - It feels like a lifetime!'
So, having the dream and commitment of staying married my whole life dissolved I had to navigate some pretty rough waters. By myself. Yes, I did end up having one incredible son, Matthew before we got divorced. Matthew: My gift from God. He truly is a gift....and yes, I am the luckiest mom on the planet!!!
But, the divorce took its toll on him....so young....so vulnerable....Matthew was only 3 and 1/2 years old when his mom and dad said goodbye. It's been a lifetime for him as well. Turmoil, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, etc. etc. etc. How do you teach a little one that daddy and mommy are no longer living together? That we are not going back to that house? Sure, the courts said "shared custody", but how does anyone really do that well? Back and forth, week by week with all of Matthew's belongings: back pack, favorite books, scout uniform, soccer uniform, trumpet, music, favorite stuffed animal. Ugh!!!
Rough waters, you say? Absolutely! Being single in this society where couples reign on TV commercials, movies, restaurants, parks - every where you go - there are couples everywhere! And, Valentine's Day? Ha! What in the world does one do on Valentine's Day without a significant other who loves you? Good question!!!
Mondays were the worst! I called it "trading prisoners." It was horrible. Matt cried, I cried....it did not matter if Matt was coming to my house or going to his dad's house. Tears soaked the seat of the car and both of our pillows at night!
By the Grace of God, we muddled through...day by day....week by week....year by year. I had the most wonderful counselor, Beth, who is still a dear friend today. I honestly do not know how I would have made it if it were not for Beth's wise counsel. She helped me learn how to deal with my anger and Matt's. She had me draw how I felt when I got so angry - a Volcano is what I drew and still have the picture today! She helped me find value and purpose and meaning in life again. She taught me to take care of myself in a healthy way - not a selfish way. At the end of one of our first counseling lessons, Beth asked me: "What one nice thing will you do for yourself this week?" I looked at her stunned. Silent. So, she repeated the question: "What one nice thing will you do for yourself this week?"
I honestly did not know how to answer. I thought that was being selfish. Beth taught me that to take care of Matthew in a healthy manner, I had to take care of myself. And, take care of myself well.
If I didn't, who would take care of Matthew? I was the bread winner, the cook, the maid, the carpool lady, the gardener, the snow shoveler, the everything-er! If I did not take care of me, I certainly could not do all those jobs.....plus I traveled every other week for my job back then. It was rough. Rougher than I ever thought possible.
But, again, by the Grace of God, I learned. I learned how to love myself. Completely. 100%.
I learned how to take care of myself and Matt. I learned techniques in Al-anon that saved my life! I learned to take good care of myself and how to "detach in love." I even learned how to have a single ladies Valentine's Brunch each year to celebrate friendship and love as women and as friends.
But, I had to admit, it was very difficult to let go of all those hopes, all those dreams, all those expectations. I even had a funeral for my dreams. Yes, I wrote them out, placed them in a box and buried the box outside. I had to place a "Golden layer of forgiveness" on each of the break lines on my heart and on Matthew's heart. We learned, we grew, we leaned on each other, we cried together, we laughed, we gardened together and we became very close. I will always be grateful for my little guy who was so brave, so courageous and so generous with his forgiveness with his mom.
"By the Grace of God, I go......"
Isaiah 43:1-3 was one of my life verses back then and is still today:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Did you know that "Fear Not" or "Do Not Be Afraid" is in the Bible 365 times? Check it out! It's true!
One for every day of the calendar year. One for every fear, for every tear, for every ache of the broken heart. He is right beside you every step of the way. If only we will turn to Him. If only we will ask Him to mend our broken hearts.
I cannot imagine my life without my Savior, Jesus Christ!!! He is amazing!!! And, He brought Matthew and I through the roughest waters I could ever imagine. He still parts the Sea so that we can "walk right through it!"
Thank you, Lord, with all my heart for helping us through the rough waters! We made it!!!
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