Reflections on 19 years as a single mom....

Nineteen years......wow! Has it really been that long since my divorce???  Yep!  January 13, 2000 the papers read:  The bonds of matrimony are dissolved, set aside and all for naught.  Thud.  I cried until I could not cry anymore.  All for naught, really???

I never dreamed I would be divorced.  I wanted to be married my whole life.  Both of our parents and grandparents were divorced.  The odds weren't good to begin with, but oh the dreams I had!  I wanted to be a music teacher, a wife and a mom all of my life and those dreams of all that could be were gone.  Those dreams were shattered.  Dissolved. Set aside. All for naught.

It truly is unbelievable that the past nineteen years have gone by so fast and yet so slow....Being married nineteen years and now being divorced nineteen years - It feels like a lifetime!'

So, having the dream and commitment of staying married my whole life dissolved I had to navigate some pretty rough waters.  By myself.  Yes, I did end up having one incredible son, Matthew before we got divorced.  Matthew:  My gift from God.  He truly is a gift....and yes, I am the luckiest mom on the planet!!!

But, the divorce took its toll on him....so young....so vulnerable....Matthew was only 3 and 1/2 years old when his mom and dad said goodbye.  It's been a lifetime for him as well.  Turmoil, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, etc. etc. etc.  How do  you teach a little one that daddy and mommy are no longer living together?  That we are not going back to that house? Sure, the courts said "shared custody",  but how does anyone really do that well?  Back and forth, week by week with all of Matthew's belongings:  back pack, favorite books, scout uniform, soccer uniform, trumpet, music, favorite stuffed animal.  Ugh!!!

Rough waters, you say?  Absolutely!  Being single in this society where couples reign on TV commercials, movies, restaurants, parks - every where you go - there are couples everywhere!  And, Valentine's Day?  Ha!  What in the world does one do on Valentine's Day without a significant other who loves you?  Good question!!!

Mondays were the worst!  I called it "trading prisoners."  It was horrible.  Matt cried, I cried....it did not matter if Matt was coming to my house or going to his dad's house.  Tears soaked the seat of the car and both of our pillows at night!

By the Grace of God, we muddled through...day by day....week by week....year by year.  I had the most wonderful counselor, Beth, who is still a dear friend today.  I honestly do not know how I would have made it if it were not for Beth's wise counsel.  She helped me learn how to deal with my anger and Matt's.  She had me draw how I felt when I got so angry - a Volcano is what I drew and still have the picture today!  She helped me find value and purpose and meaning in life again.  She taught me to take care of myself in a healthy way - not a selfish way.  At the end of one of our first counseling lessons, Beth asked me:  "What one nice thing will you do for yourself this week?"  I looked at her stunned.  Silent.  So, she repeated the question: "What one nice thing will you do for yourself this week?"
I honestly did not know how to answer.  I thought that was being selfish.  Beth taught me that to take care of Matthew in a healthy manner, I had to take care of myself.  And, take care of myself well.
If I didn't, who would take care of Matthew?  I was the bread winner, the cook, the maid, the carpool lady, the gardener, the snow shoveler, the everything-er!  If I did not take care of me, I certainly could not do all those jobs.....plus I traveled every other week for my job back then.  It was rough.  Rougher than I ever thought possible.

But, again, by the Grace of God, I learned.  I learned how to love myself.  Completely.  100%.
I learned how to take care of myself and Matt.  I learned techniques in Al-anon that saved my life!  I learned to take good care of myself and how to "detach in love."  I even learned how to have a single ladies Valentine's Brunch each year to celebrate friendship and love as women and as friends.

But, I had to admit, it was very difficult to let go of all those hopes, all those dreams, all those expectations.  I even had a funeral for my dreams.  Yes, I wrote them out, placed them in a box and buried the box outside.  I had to place a "Golden layer of forgiveness" on each of the break lines on my heart and on Matthew's heart.  We learned, we grew, we leaned on each other, we cried together, we laughed, we gardened together and we became very close.  I will always be grateful for my little guy who was so brave, so courageous and so generous with his forgiveness with his mom. 
"By the Grace of God, I go......"

Isaiah 43:1-3 was one of my life verses back then and is still today:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Did you know that "Fear Not" or "Do Not Be Afraid" is in the Bible 365 times?  Check it out!  It's true!
One for every day of the calendar year.  One for every fear, for every tear, for every ache of the broken heart.  He is right beside you every step of the way.  If only we will turn to Him.  If only we will ask Him to mend our broken hearts.

I cannot imagine my life without my Savior, Jesus Christ!!!  He is amazing!!!  And, He brought Matthew and I through the roughest waters I could ever imagine. He still parts the Sea so that we can "walk right through it!"

Thank you, Lord, with all my heart for helping us through the rough waters!  We made it!!!

Feeding the birds in winter...

Remember the movie Mary Poppins?  One of my favorite songs from that movie is "Feed the Birds."
"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag."  Remember???  In the movie, an old woman feeds her birds in the park every day.  She is disheveled, unkempt, and ragged in appearance, but oh, what she does is amazing!!!  She feeds those birds as if they were her children!!!

Many of us are bird watchers.  We feed the birds at various bird feeders in our yards during the spring, summer and fall, but how about in the winter?  If you love feeding the birds in summer, you will LOVE feeding and watching them in the winter, too!

We just had 8-10 inches of snow last weekend, so I was concerned that my birds needed nourishment!  So, I dusted off a couple of patio chairs on my deck and removed the snow from underneath the chairs to create a place where they could find bird food that wasn't covered with snow!  I even went so far as to put the food close to my sliding glass door so that I could sit at my kitchen table and watch.....it is SO much fun!!!

As I watch, I am reminded that the Lord has promised to watch over us!  Listen to this:
Matthew 10:29-31 says: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the hairs on your head are numbered. So, do NOT be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Wow!  Think of that........reflect on that........the God of the Universe believes YOU are worth more than many sparrows....not one sparrow, not two sparrows, but many!!!

There is a Great Backyard Bird Count in February where you can put food in your bird feeders and take 15 minutes to watch and record which birds come to your feeder and then send the results to this organization!  The dates are February 15-18, 2019.  The website at birdcount.org.  It's an event across the nation, so tune into the website and check it out!  Become a bird watcher and bird provider - it's an incredible feeling to know that I am helping the birds in my own backyard!!!

If you are a bird watcher, then you will realize what an incredible gift this is.....it is a promise from God to us....yes us!  He wants every one of us to be one of His sparrows.  He wants our hearts....He wants our thoughts, our words, our attitudes, our deeds, our actions, our reactions, but most of all our responses.  He wants our hopes and dreams....He wants our fears.....He wants our surrender....He promises to provide if we just turn to Him.  Be a sparrow.....

Our God is an amazing God to give us such beautiful, tiny creatures to watch and care for in winter.
I hope you will join me and "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag...."

Snowflakes....

How you ever considered watching it snow???  If not, try it!!! Snowflakes are fascinating!!  Snowflakes are a single, feathery crystal of snow.  They are usually white or opaque and can melt in a few seconds, but oh, the fun you can have trying to catch one on your tongue!!!

Think about each snowflake - they are unique and each one is configured differently.  They are similar to fingerprints in that way - no two are alike!  Each one has its own shape and size - some are fluffy, some are slushy, some are light, some are heavy.  None of them are the same!  Have you ever studied one?  

I did an experiment with mindfulness and snowflakes....I decided to take some time to watch them come down on my windshield for almost an hour as I sat in park to just reflect on the quiet beauty....they fall softly, serenely, and quietly.  They can cause you to stop and wonder how these particles of ice can mesmerize us and how they create such beauty and such serenity.

Watching from a window inside your house where it is nice and warm is another fun way to enjoy snow!  Grab a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate....then, sit down and watch Mother Nature entertain you for a bit.  

Reflect on a wonderful memory from childhood when you made a snow angel or went ice skating or went down a long hill on a sled!!!  Take time to be still and let the good memories take you back to that happy time in your life.  Take time to just ponder the wonder of snow....ponder the quiet place inside you when you may feel dreary or lethargic and let yourself be that for a short time.  It is really okay to slow down.  Relax.  Ponder.....

Winter offers a wealth of opportunities to just sit still and contemplate things in life.  Allow yourself that time of reflection, that time of wonder, that time of being still.

Someone recently showed my a way to meditate on Psalm 46:10 which says:

"Be Still and Know that I am God."

Now, take it apart one sentence at a time:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know....

Be still...

Be.

See?  You can do it!!!

Watching the snow falling is one way to slow down, to quiet the busy lives we lead, to become still and listen for that still, small voice we long to hear.  God's voice.....Holy whispers that speak to our heart.

One day, I would like to become as lovely as snow falling.

How about you???