Reflections on 19 years as a single mom....

Nineteen years......wow! Has it really been that long since my divorce???  Yep!  January 13, 2000 the papers read:  The bonds of matrimony are dissolved, set aside and all for naught.  Thud.  I cried until I could not cry anymore.  All for naught, really???

I never dreamed I would be divorced.  I wanted to be married my whole life.  Both of our parents and grandparents were divorced.  The odds weren't good to begin with, but oh the dreams I had!  I wanted to be a music teacher, a wife and a mom all of my life and those dreams of all that could be were gone.  Those dreams were shattered.  Dissolved. Set aside. All for naught.

It truly is unbelievable that the past nineteen years have gone by so fast and yet so slow....Being married nineteen years and now being divorced nineteen years - It feels like a lifetime!'

So, having the dream and commitment of staying married my whole life dissolved I had to navigate some pretty rough waters.  By myself.  Yes, I did end up having one incredible son, Matthew before we got divorced.  Matthew:  My gift from God.  He truly is a gift....and yes, I am the luckiest mom on the planet!!!

But, the divorce took its toll on him....so young....so vulnerable....Matthew was only 3 and 1/2 years old when his mom and dad said goodbye.  It's been a lifetime for him as well.  Turmoil, anger, hurt, misunderstanding, etc. etc. etc.  How do  you teach a little one that daddy and mommy are no longer living together?  That we are not going back to that house? Sure, the courts said "shared custody",  but how does anyone really do that well?  Back and forth, week by week with all of Matthew's belongings:  back pack, favorite books, scout uniform, soccer uniform, trumpet, music, favorite stuffed animal.  Ugh!!!

Rough waters, you say?  Absolutely!  Being single in this society where couples reign on TV commercials, movies, restaurants, parks - every where you go - there are couples everywhere!  And, Valentine's Day?  Ha!  What in the world does one do on Valentine's Day without a significant other who loves you?  Good question!!!

Mondays were the worst!  I called it "trading prisoners."  It was horrible.  Matt cried, I cried....it did not matter if Matt was coming to my house or going to his dad's house.  Tears soaked the seat of the car and both of our pillows at night!

By the Grace of God, we muddled through...day by day....week by week....year by year.  I had the most wonderful counselor, Beth, who is still a dear friend today.  I honestly do not know how I would have made it if it were not for Beth's wise counsel.  She helped me learn how to deal with my anger and Matt's.  She had me draw how I felt when I got so angry - a Volcano is what I drew and still have the picture today!  She helped me find value and purpose and meaning in life again.  She taught me to take care of myself in a healthy way - not a selfish way.  At the end of one of our first counseling lessons, Beth asked me:  "What one nice thing will you do for yourself this week?"  I looked at her stunned.  Silent.  So, she repeated the question: "What one nice thing will you do for yourself this week?"
I honestly did not know how to answer.  I thought that was being selfish.  Beth taught me that to take care of Matthew in a healthy manner, I had to take care of myself.  And, take care of myself well.
If I didn't, who would take care of Matthew?  I was the bread winner, the cook, the maid, the carpool lady, the gardener, the snow shoveler, the everything-er!  If I did not take care of me, I certainly could not do all those jobs.....plus I traveled every other week for my job back then.  It was rough.  Rougher than I ever thought possible.

But, again, by the Grace of God, I learned.  I learned how to love myself.  Completely.  100%.
I learned how to take care of myself and Matt.  I learned techniques in Al-anon that saved my life!  I learned to take good care of myself and how to "detach in love."  I even learned how to have a single ladies Valentine's Brunch each year to celebrate friendship and love as women and as friends.

But, I had to admit, it was very difficult to let go of all those hopes, all those dreams, all those expectations.  I even had a funeral for my dreams.  Yes, I wrote them out, placed them in a box and buried the box outside.  I had to place a "Golden layer of forgiveness" on each of the break lines on my heart and on Matthew's heart.  We learned, we grew, we leaned on each other, we cried together, we laughed, we gardened together and we became very close.  I will always be grateful for my little guy who was so brave, so courageous and so generous with his forgiveness with his mom. 
"By the Grace of God, I go......"

Isaiah 43:1-3 was one of my life verses back then and is still today:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Did you know that "Fear Not" or "Do Not Be Afraid" is in the Bible 365 times?  Check it out!  It's true!
One for every day of the calendar year.  One for every fear, for every tear, for every ache of the broken heart.  He is right beside you every step of the way.  If only we will turn to Him.  If only we will ask Him to mend our broken hearts.

I cannot imagine my life without my Savior, Jesus Christ!!!  He is amazing!!!  And, He brought Matthew and I through the roughest waters I could ever imagine. He still parts the Sea so that we can "walk right through it!"

Thank you, Lord, with all my heart for helping us through the rough waters!  We made it!!!

Feeding the birds in winter...

Remember the movie Mary Poppins?  One of my favorite songs from that movie is "Feed the Birds."
"Feed the birds, tuppence a bag."  Remember???  In the movie, an old woman feeds her birds in the park every day.  She is disheveled, unkempt, and ragged in appearance, but oh, what she does is amazing!!!  She feeds those birds as if they were her children!!!

Many of us are bird watchers.  We feed the birds at various bird feeders in our yards during the spring, summer and fall, but how about in the winter?  If you love feeding the birds in summer, you will LOVE feeding and watching them in the winter, too!

We just had 8-10 inches of snow last weekend, so I was concerned that my birds needed nourishment!  So, I dusted off a couple of patio chairs on my deck and removed the snow from underneath the chairs to create a place where they could find bird food that wasn't covered with snow!  I even went so far as to put the food close to my sliding glass door so that I could sit at my kitchen table and watch.....it is SO much fun!!!

As I watch, I am reminded that the Lord has promised to watch over us!  Listen to this:
Matthew 10:29-31 says: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the hairs on your head are numbered. So, do NOT be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Wow!  Think of that........reflect on that........the God of the Universe believes YOU are worth more than many sparrows....not one sparrow, not two sparrows, but many!!!

There is a Great Backyard Bird Count in February where you can put food in your bird feeders and take 15 minutes to watch and record which birds come to your feeder and then send the results to this organization!  The dates are February 15-18, 2019.  The website at birdcount.org.  It's an event across the nation, so tune into the website and check it out!  Become a bird watcher and bird provider - it's an incredible feeling to know that I am helping the birds in my own backyard!!!

If you are a bird watcher, then you will realize what an incredible gift this is.....it is a promise from God to us....yes us!  He wants every one of us to be one of His sparrows.  He wants our hearts....He wants our thoughts, our words, our attitudes, our deeds, our actions, our reactions, but most of all our responses.  He wants our hopes and dreams....He wants our fears.....He wants our surrender....He promises to provide if we just turn to Him.  Be a sparrow.....

Our God is an amazing God to give us such beautiful, tiny creatures to watch and care for in winter.
I hope you will join me and "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag...."

Snowflakes....

How you ever considered watching it snow???  If not, try it!!! Snowflakes are fascinating!!  Snowflakes are a single, feathery crystal of snow.  They are usually white or opaque and can melt in a few seconds, but oh, the fun you can have trying to catch one on your tongue!!!

Think about each snowflake - they are unique and each one is configured differently.  They are similar to fingerprints in that way - no two are alike!  Each one has its own shape and size - some are fluffy, some are slushy, some are light, some are heavy.  None of them are the same!  Have you ever studied one?  

I did an experiment with mindfulness and snowflakes....I decided to take some time to watch them come down on my windshield for almost an hour as I sat in park to just reflect on the quiet beauty....they fall softly, serenely, and quietly.  They can cause you to stop and wonder how these particles of ice can mesmerize us and how they create such beauty and such serenity.

Watching from a window inside your house where it is nice and warm is another fun way to enjoy snow!  Grab a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate....then, sit down and watch Mother Nature entertain you for a bit.  

Reflect on a wonderful memory from childhood when you made a snow angel or went ice skating or went down a long hill on a sled!!!  Take time to be still and let the good memories take you back to that happy time in your life.  Take time to just ponder the wonder of snow....ponder the quiet place inside you when you may feel dreary or lethargic and let yourself be that for a short time.  It is really okay to slow down.  Relax.  Ponder.....

Winter offers a wealth of opportunities to just sit still and contemplate things in life.  Allow yourself that time of reflection, that time of wonder, that time of being still.

Someone recently showed my a way to meditate on Psalm 46:10 which says:

"Be Still and Know that I am God."

Now, take it apart one sentence at a time:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know....

Be still...

Be.

See?  You can do it!!!

Watching the snow falling is one way to slow down, to quiet the busy lives we lead, to become still and listen for that still, small voice we long to hear.  God's voice.....Holy whispers that speak to our heart.

One day, I would like to become as lovely as snow falling.

How about you???

Look for Joy!

One of my favorite authors is Barbara Johnson, a Christian humorist who makes life fun with slogans like:  "Pain is inevitable, misery is optional, so stick a geranium in your hat and be happy!"
I love this saying!!! 
Here is another one by Barbara:  "You have to look for the joy...Look for the light of God that is hitting your life, and you will find sparkles you didn't know were there."

Look for JOY!  Yes, look for it!!  Why??? Because it brightens your day, your mood, your life and other people's lives.......
You may be asking WHY do we have to look for joy? 
Because we take it for granted. 
Or, we are so caught up in the stresses of everyday life, that we miss it!

Look for the Light of God!  It shines all around us if only we have eyes to see it...it sparkles and shines through every heart that helps a hurting soul....that shows up at just the right moment when we need it most....

JOY:  It is all around us and yet, we seldom take the time to find it....see it...savor it.
Joy is in the little things.....and joy is all around us!!!

Take a peek at these ideas:
Do you see the cardinal in the tree?  Listen for her call! 
Take a second look at your child...see the smile that gleams back at you when you really take the time to look?
Feel the warmth of a hot bath...soak in the heat...feel your cares floating away!  Remember the old Calgon bath salts commercial from the 1960's?  "Calgon:  Take me away!!!"  Ahhhh....remember those days of soaking in a hot tub and go try it tonight!

Pick up your dog's toy and throw it for him intentionally for a change!  Watch the sparkle in his eye and see the playfulness come out! 
Laugh out loud!  Yep!  A huge, deep down belly laugh!!!
Enjoy the moment and try it again tomorrow....
Listen for your grandchildren's laughter...hear the giggles each time you tickle them!
Get on the floor and wrestle with your dog or your kids!  Relish the time with them...cherish them...give them your full attention and your heart!  You won't regret it and you will be amazed at what you get in return!!!

Joy abounds!!!  Watch the sunrise tomorrow....or, absorb the beauty of the sunset tonight!
Ask a friend, a loved one, or a neighbor to watch it with you....stand there and see how the colors change...shade after shade after beautiful shade.

Lay down on the floor and look up into your Christmas tree this year....see the lights flicker and glow...imagine that first Christmas night:  Stars shining brightly and pointing to the manger...stop awhile and look...really look!  See the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in the manger. 
Feel the awe, the wonder, the JOY!!!

Allow God's infinite love to embrace you....an infinite love was born that Christmas night just for you!  Just for me. 

Feel the joy...share it with everyone you meet!  Live a life that shows how much you love and how much you are loved.....see how much love comes back to you in return!

Look for Joy - let it splash on your face, on your life, and into the lives of others!!! 
Share the Joy this beautiful season!!!

Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, down in my heart!!!

JOY:  Jesus Only You!!!

Jesus.....the reason for the season and yes, the Christ child came to save the world...
He came to save me....He came to save you.
Now that is PURE Joy!!!

Nature's Steeples.....

I would like to share this devotion by Fr. James McKarns from Living Faith Devotional that I read each day as it describes mountains as Nature's Steeples - a wonderful concept!

Psalm 24:3
"Who can ascend the mountain of the Lord?"

"In biblical times, the people often referred to mountains as places where God dwelt.  On top of various mountains, once can find a church, temple or monastery.  I have been on a few of the famous biblical mountains and experienced deep religious sentiments.  It was a beautiful spring morning on Mount Tabor when I joined with others to celebrate the Mass of the Transfiguration.  Like Peter, James and John, I also wanted to stay longer.  When on the Mount of Olives, where Jesus wept over the city of Jerusalem, there was a very slight rain trickling down a chapel window, like tears.  On Mount Calvary, I will always remember the unrestrained sobbing of a young woman with others kneeling, heads reverently bowed.  With my mountain spirituality at Mass, I always emphasize the words, "lift up your hearts."  The mountains are nature's church steeples urging us to keep looking up."

Wow!  Can you imagine visiting all those famous mountains and having a personal, spiritual experience on each one like those described above?  I can!!!  And, I may just have to make that my life goal to do just that in the next 5-10 years.....

Where is it that you want to linger longer?  Stay longer?  Remain until all the tears are shed?
One of my favorite Psalms in the Bible is Psalm 121.  I read it at my grandfather's funeral and my mom's memorial service, too.  It is simply beautiful:
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help....." (KJV)

Where does your help come from?  For me, it has always been God.  For whatever reason, I have known all of my life that lifting my eyes to the hills or higher places such as mountains has helped me focus on the help that God himself offers all of us...if only we will look up when we need help!

As the Psalm says, The Lord IS our shade at our right hand...He keeps Israel and He keeps us.  The Lord preserves us from all evil.  He preserves our soul.  He preserves our going out and our coming in - forever!

God keeps His promises.  Check it out!  Find any promise in the Bible and see if He won't keep it for you.  One of my favorites is from Isaiah 43:1-3:  "Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name.  You are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.  When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze for I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel."  Wow - that promise is incredible.  He never leaves us nor forsakes us!  Never!

I miss church steeples.  They are so majestic!!!  And, so is God!  His majesty cannot compare with anything else!  Nothing compares.

So, where is your steeple to remind you of where to turn for help?  What part of nature makes you think about our Creator?  Is there a mountain that makes you feel God's immensity?  Or, is it a hill at the park where you walk each day where you can see below and be in awe of the beauty you see? 

Where are you most reminded that you need to look up and ask for help?  Maybe it is "Knee Prints" by your bed in the morning or church every Sunday.  Wherever that place is, go there often!  Even if it is only a google image or picture on your computer or in a book!!! Remind yourself to look at Mount Tabor or Mount Calvary or the Mount of Olives in your heart.  You will find God waiting there - just for you!!!

Alchemy.....

Have you ever looked up the word "Alchemy?"  It is an interesting concept from the Middle Ages where chemically, the chief aim was to change baser metals into gold and to discover the elixer of perpetual youth.  A second definition is a method or power of transmutation.  Third, it is defined as the seemingly miraculous change of one thing into another.

Seemingly miraculous change......taking something usually of little value and changing it into a substance of great value.  Hmmmm....that sounds like something God would do!

There are many instances in our lives where we wish we could change something and can't.  Yet, there are many other circumstances in which we do have the opportunity to change the outcome and we do.  All of us have the opportunity to explore new ways of looking at things and learning more about a subject that interests us or perplexes us. We have a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips these days!  You can look up anything on Google!!!  Anything!!!  And, as we explore:  we grow, we change, we experiment, we adapt, we become new creations each day by our thoughts, our words, our deeds, our actions, our interactions, our reactions, but most of all our responses.

Think about one thing you would like to miraculously change into something else!  What would it take to do so?  Is it a matter of health?  Is it finances?  Is it a relationship that is waning?  Is it forgiveness?  Is it a matter of changing one habit?  Is it a matter of choosing to learn more about a subject?  Is it a matter of trying something new?  Or, is it a life-altering decision?  These are questions only you can answer.  These are questions that perhaps your soul is longing to ask.  These are questions you can ask God about. 

Go ahead.  Ask God for a miraculous change in your life!!!  Ask for transformation.  Ask for a new attitude.  Ask for forgiveness.  Ask for healing.  He longs to hear you speak to Him.  He longs to answer your questions.  He longs to be gracious to you.  He longs to show you compassion.

Isaiah 30:18 says just that:  "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion." 

Think about that.  The Creator of the Universe longs to be in your life.  We are not alone in this world.  We have a God who longs to be with us, comfort us, heal us.  He longs to transform us, renew us and make us "New!"

The older I get, the more I realize the less I know.  There is SO much for me to learn.....so much for me to explore....so much for me change!  But, am I willing?  Am I willing to allow God to transform me into the creation He wants me to be?

There used to be a band called Acoustic Alchemy - their music was mostly instrumental guitar music and it was fantastic!  I loved they way they changed their harmonies and weaved their rhythms and moved my soul!  The music would transform my soul into a peaceful state....what would transform you into a peaceful state?  What miraculous change would you like to propose to God for your life?  Lay it at His feet and watch what happens.  When we attend to the business of our souls, things change.  Things happen.  Transformation happens. I don't want the elixer of perpetual youth, but I do want the power of God in my life.  Every day.  Every minute.  How about you???

Have you ever felt JOYFUL???

Have you ever felt just JOYFUL???  It's a very wonderful feeling....a very glad feeling.....it is feeling of being happy....it is feeling of great delight over something or someone!!!  To be full of JOY is wonderful - you feel like rejoicing all the day long!!! Singing, humming, laughing, smiling....just pure JOY fills your heart!!!

There is a buoyancy that I have felt all of my life that is pure joy....and to me it is knowing that God is by my side....every minute, every day!  I don't have to fear anything because I know He is on my side!  It is an incredible feeling and I am truly grateful that I know that kind of Joy, that kind of love from our Heavenly Father!!!

I Peter 1:8-9 says: "Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious JOY, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Wow!!!  Isn't that incredible?  We can each have inexpressible and glorious joy....not just a little bit of joy, not a little bit of happiness, not a little bit of delight, but inexpressible!!!  Glorious!!!
Have you ever felt that kind of JOY?  It is glorious because it comes directly from Heaven.  It comes from knowing Jesus.

Joy is the way, the truth and the life because Jesus is the way, the truth and the life! 
Joy in the morning.  Joy throughout your entire day.  Joy at twilight.  Joy throughout the night.  Joy when the diagnosis comes.  Joy when bankruptcy comes.  Joy in our hopes.  Joy in our dreams - whether we are awake or asleep!!! 

Joy doesn't come from the outside or from our circumstances.  It doesn't come from a new car.  It doesn't come from a bigger house.  It doesn't come with a larger paycheck.  It doesn't come from being promoted.  It doesn't come from a clean bill of health.  Although each of these things in this life brings us happiness and some joy, the kind of joy I am talking about cannot be obtained by "things" of this earth.

The kind of JOY I am talking about comes from way down deep in our souls. 
It comes from having a relationship with the Creator of the Universe.  The Most High God.  The Father, Son and Holy Spirit - The Triune God - three in One.  He is a Omnipotent (having all power and authority), Omnipresent (being present in all places at the same time), and Omniscience God (having infinite knowledge).  He is amazing!!!

The Joy I am talking about comes from being close to this Divine, Most High God.  From calling Him Savior.  Calling Him friend.  Every day.  Learning something new about Him.  His love. His power.  His compassion for us as humans.  Reading His Word, the Bible.  Praying.  Confessing our sins and asking for forgiveness and healing.  Knowing He cares.

It comes from building a personal relationship with Him.  Not a superficial one - a true, genuine, real relationship.  One that lasts your entire lifetime!!!

Joy comes from trusting this God of the Universe to be by your side - day and night, thick or thin, happy or sad.  Over and over in the Bible, the scriptures tell us how much He loves us!  How much he cares for us!  How He will never leave us, nor forsake us.  Never.  Did that sink in?  NEVER!!!

That is a mighty powerful promise and it is one The Lord keeps for His children, His sheep, His people who love Him. 

Would you like to know that kind of JOY?  It is yours for the asking!  I pray you will ask Him into your heart today and find that buoyancy, that JOY.  It is truly amazing!!!